What I can change

We’ve been slowly growing small roots here in Austria, something that we had thought about but weren't sure how it might unfold. What started out as a short stay has stretched into something gentler — a couple months, familiar faces, the kids settling in, and that quiet feeling of “oh… this feels good.” We’re helping organize a small homeschooling gathering, which honestly lights me up, and the kids are thriving in that unforced, hard-to-measure way that only really shows up when life has rhythm instead of rush.

Which we accomplish most of the time while traveling.

Don't get me wrong. As I mentioned in my last post there's plenty to keep us busy here. And with only one day off it can be too much at times. We're learning to set limits and take time when we need it. And while we love the people we're working with- all this time we're investing in their projects allows us to realize that we have some projects of our own we want to get started on. But there's not enough time for that too. So we gotta change something. We're busy most of the time, but the next place we're going should be much more relaxed. More on that next time. The kids get lots of time to chill, read a lot and work on their own (homeschooling) projects.

We got to go up to the cabin again too! It snowed A LOT!

They’re outside a lot. Skiing, snowboarding, playing, inventing games, disappearing into laughter. Our daughter’s birthday is coming up, and the countdown has officially begun. Ice skating is the big dream this year, and the excitement alone could probably power the house. Watching her plan it all with such joy has been one of those small reminders that joy doesn’t need to be complicated — it just needs space.

All of this has been weaving beautifully into something I’ve been reading again and again in resilience research: fear and worry are terrible problem-solvers. Absolutely awful. They don’t make us wiser, more creative, or more effective. They narrow us. They lock us into threat mode. And once we’re there, freedom quietly slips out the back door.

Had to remind myself to calm down a MILLION times while skiing last time. Even the lift operator reminded me that it's about having fun!

A nervous system that feels unsafe looks for what’s wrong. Always. It scans for mistakes, danger, and problems that need fixing. A regulated nervous system does the opposite. It sees options. It notices what’s working. It moves toward solutions almost effortlessly. This isn’t positive thinking — it’s biology.

So what have I been focusing on? Chilling the heck out! Yes, commit and support the amazing hosts we have at the moment- friends really- but consciously choosing to change what I can- which is how I react to it all.

One of the most practical reminders of this comes from Dr. Daniel Amen and other brain researchers who talk about what’s often called the 10-to-1 rule. For every one correction, complaint, or negative comment, our brains actually need about ten positive ones to stay open and regulated. Ten. One. That ratio alone explains about ninety percent of our family dynamics, marriages, workplaces, and inner self-talk, if we’re being honest.

The kids (ours and from another family here) enjoying the view.

This shows up everywhere. With our kids, of course — constantly pointing out what they’re doing wrong shuts learning down fast. But it’s just as true with partners, coworkers, friends, and even neighbors. When we focus primarily on mistakes or shortcomings, the other person’s nervous system normally goes straight into defense. When we notice what’s going right, something shifts. Cooperation increases. Softness returns. And very often, the “problem” we were trying to fix starts to dissolve on its own.

This has been really easy to practice here, as the people we're surrounded by, mostly, do this naturally. They're grateful when problems are pointed out and then we all go straight into solving mode. No judgement. No pressure or stress. In fact, with most the people we're in direct contact with on a daily basis the rule is: jokes. Laughter. And even when there's a lot to do, there's music, smiles and for me, a super important reminder to see the positive. I couldn't be more grateful for that!

Yup, that's my 15 year old driving around! What a great moment for me to let go of some fear!

What fascinates me most is how often fear disguises itself as responsibility. We think that by worrying, correcting, or analyzing what’s not working, we’re being attentive or proactive. In reality, we’re often just feeding the stress loop. Fear doesn’t create clarity — safety does.

And then there’s the second truth that keeps showing up in almost every resilience book on my shelf, in therapy models, neuroscience, and even modern pop frameworks like Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” idea: the only thing we can truly change is ourselves. Not our kids. Not our partners. Not our coworkers. Just us.

Let them be who they are. Let them have their process. Let them learn at their pace. And then gently turn the focus back inward. How am I responding? What state am I bringing into this moment? Am I regulated, or am I reacting?

That shift alone is incredibly freeing. When we stop trying to manage other people’s behavior, we suddenly have energy again — energy we can use to regulate ourselves.

And that regulation is contagious. Kids feel it. Partners feel it. Rooms feel it.

Being here, watching our kids play freely, plan a birthday without pressure, move their bodies, and simply be kids, has been a living reminder of this truth: regulated environments create regulated humans. Nature helps. Slowness helps. Connection helps.

There's the birthday girl! A natural at looking at the positive in life. I learn a lot from my kids.

And so does choosing, again and again, to notice what’s going right instead of obsessing over what isn’t.

That’s the work. Not perfect. Not polished. Just practiced. Choosing focus over fear. Praise over panic. Responsibility over control. And trusting that when we do, solutions tend to find us far more easily than when we’re stuck worrying our way into exhaustion. And remembering, over and over again, to stick to it and come back to what we can change.

This is what I say to myself at the end of a yoga session or sometimes a meditation:

Just for today:

Do not be worried

Do not be angry

Be grateful

Work hard on yourself

Be kind to others

And smile

All is well

You are loved.

Thanks for reading and sending you my love